Match report: Shanghai Vikings Vs. Zhuoxuan

Shanghai Vikings vs. Zhuoxuan (2-1)

It was a tremendous afternoon for the Vikings management team. After a long rebuilding phase for the Vikings from the ‘Little People’ up. The hard work and perseverance bore fruit with a deserved victory. Thanks to goals from a player completely out of position and another from one the shortest players on the pitch from a set piece. 

It was also the last day for one of Shanghai Vikings soon to be Legends, who ended up playing almost every position on the pitch with a performance that would definitely see him get a guaranteed smooth transfer to the San Jose Earthquakes in the MLS. It was an unconventional victory in a scrappy but entertaining afternoon of football for the Vikings


Now, it must be mentioned that most of this game was partially viewed and remembered from the stellar bench, where Coach Henrik managed the team impeccably and didn’t listen to the screams from them to pull every player off the pitch. The laughs and zingers were flying fast making it hard to see all the action on the pitch but this is what was remembered. 

The game started strong for the Vikings with a comfortable possession game in their own half. With crisp and controlled passing and a confidence in the defence that Zhouxuan just couldn’t break down.

Team America 

The Vikings had striking debutant American Aaron doing good business up front, bringing down the ball and laying it off for his fellow midfielders to send him down the pitch and into the box. When that did happen though, he decided to try and play the ball off his “manhood”, which must be noted George said was “a dick to write home to Mum about”. However, all that penis envy didn’t get that ball into the back of the net. So, he channelled his ol’ Italian American roots and flopped to the ground in the box. Sadly, even the raucous bench thought it was a soft fall for a hard ‘Mmmerican’ (all innuendo intended) and no call was made.

Wayne’s World, Excellent! 

The side lines had a lot to yell about from the Vikings performance in the final third of the pitch. But there were signs of brilliance from Wayne who seemed to have his way with the ball in the middle of the pitch and George La Croix who was dangling and nutmegging left right and centre. Little did he know he had to do this for the whole 90 mins. They both seemed to do as they pleased in a midfield that looked like they couldn’t be stopped. But as the Vikings have always struggled with, the last pass always seemed to make it directly to the foot of that last defender. With winger Jasper always seeming to be hanging around offside, it was difficult to thread that right pass to the right area. Jasper with his usual positive approach, took this on the chest and didn’t complain once…

There were discussions on the bench of what needed to be changed in order to get the breakthrough we needed. With Arman’s good luck charm waiting patiently to see her man accomplish something more than just a selfie video in his moments, she was getting anxious. But as that happened they all turned to see Akenz Jens stumbling to the ground grabbing his face in an apparent move to get more publicity for his new line of ‘protect your face KRAKATAU Long Down Parkas’.

A move stolen from the Neymar marketing playbook. Kicking up  a fuss about nothing whatsoever, just to sell a few jackets!

With the addition of Arman to the wing and moving Hope up to the right wing the Vikings flanks started to exhaust their defence and was breaking through on a regular basis. With the rage gained from Jens’ marketing stunt the Vikings added a new flair to their game. With a cheeky little pass from George to a streaking Arman on the wing, he decided just to go straight to the net leaving his marker in the dust.

With a giant Sausage to his right hoping for a near post floater that he could smash his ‘Gin & Tonic’ throbbing head onto. Hoping to close his Vikings account with a nice little header goal. But flying in from the left back position was an ambitious and sneaky Lars Algayer that wouldn’t let him have his final Vikings moment. With a scream that only an Ayi trying to escape Gustav and Luis’s apartment could muster, Lars called for the ball and Arman had no choice but to slide the ball to the back post where Lars wouldn’t be denied. In that moment Fat Fingers Holst was missing the warmth and relaxation of the “Bench of Dreams”. For all of Arman’s work his girl didn’t even look up from her phone to acknowledge his achievement. She was already swiping right on someone who could finish from more angles. 1-0 Vikings

Oh, Captain! My Captain! 

With a solid performance commanding the troops for most of the game Captain Goose Gustav Gustavo alongside the physical presence of Akenz Jens, held a steady ship. The vigilant captain knew a one goal lead was not enough for the Vikings to hold onto this victory. All of those high-pitched screams of agony, calls for cards and requests for team mates to “come on him!” for 1.5 years? He wasn’t going to let that all go to waste. In classic Vikings fashion, off of a set piece, the littlest guy on the pitch won the ball and dinked it in for a goal. But for once it was on the other end of the pitch! In what would normally be a Saturday night for Goose he was able to play “Just the Tip” on a sunny afternoon to “see how it feels”, and for once it felt great! As his dirty little tip put the Vikings ahead and in command of the game. 2-0 Vikings

Communication Problems 

In the second half the game started to get away from the Vikings. They let their foot off the gas a bit and stopped pressing. The Chinese team took advantage of this extra space on the ball to start probing into the Vikings half. You could feel the tension building on the pitch and with the ref making a few bad calls the Vikings started to lose their shape and go against their plan and start arguing with whoever was around them. In a lapse of concentration, a ball was floated into the box while everyone’s heads were turned. With a deft touch and flick to the right Zhouxuan’s forward was able to step around his defender and roof the ball past a stunned Golden Glen. If only someone were there to yell “KEEPER” he might have known what to do, instead of letting the ball slip out of his hands easier than a bottle of bus whiskey! 2-1 Vikings

Bench Boost 

The side lines seemed to be where all the action was on this fine sunny October afternoon. With Antti, Lambo, David, Arman, Arman’s lovely wife, Loopin Louis, Sexy Siam, Jay snapping pics and Sausage all enjoying the spectacle that was unfolding before them.

Some notable performances were also made from this pool of talent.

Lambo not only made one successful pass but he also made two tackles. After the second, with the striker lying on the floor in pain below him, he lent down, whispered “this is me sucking your dick”, and with a flick of his hair he was off. Literally, off the pitch. Coach had had enough of Lambo’s showboating. A pass and two tackles…that’s professional stuff!

Sausage played almost every position with the determination and conviction of a man that had just paid for and consumed all the fake Gin and Tonic that Barbarian had to offer and woken up to that bill.

David’s best work was with Arman on the side lines, convincing the lad of his “need to find Jesus” when he was looking for girl advice from gay men. With a couple of good turns and chances. David was mostly beaten up on the pitch with no help from a ref who also didn’t much like the movie Black Panther so he was getting no help there.

Fucking Chris was also put onto the pitch but was enjoying his time on the bench so much that he started to kick up a fuss with Goose in hopes of being put back on the side to work on the ever hard to achieve “Bald Ginger Tan”.

Siam didn’t even want to play and he showed that motivation by begging coach to only put him on for a short stint at the end, that still struck fear into the hearts of many.

Louis also came on with a good amount of time to spare and had some threatening runs but was too little too late to make an impact this time. 



It was a great performance from a lot of players this game with notable mentions Alex who was solid and calming in defence and Jens who smashed anything that came through the middle, even one of the oppositions feet…with his head! There was also a strong vote for Kasper Sausage Holst as we all felt bad for the massive bill from the night before, and this was the only way to repay him. But with Arman only being able to perform this well with a woman’s eye upon him, his votes had to go to his new Lucky Charm. So, with the same tally of votes both Kasper and Arman’s Lady Luck have won the Man of the Match for the Vikings. Sausage you were a great addition to the Shanghai Vikings and we will miss you on and off the pitch. But you will be playing for Shanghai in Bangkok in the upcoming Viking Cup and we all can’t wait to see you there!



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Viking Cup

April 13 - 16, 2017

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